Me ... Inside Out

I dont care what you feel, anyways i wasnt born to Please you

2010-02-15T13:05:00.000-08:00

I love the way people assume expectations, and without giving any hint of self assumed expectations, express a heart burn on the shatter and rattle of the hope jar.

Emotions are oligopolic. No one can assume to be a mortmain for it., they are expedient. Its always easier to castigate, but it takes lot of guts to accept criticism. I might be standing on a maginot line, even if I know it will not be able to defend me, it can still be a deterrent to others trying to offend. A cat closes it eyes to assume danger is gone because it cannot retract itself into its protective shell like a tortoise. After all I am also a human, normally very articulate when needed but when threatened or challenged, guttersnipe dialect and billingsgate dominate.

Its my right to disport myself to keep myself entertained. Talking good may be my legerdemain but talking true is my spirit.

Moving Ahead...

2006-07-02T21:43:00.000-07:00

After an appropriate period of deliberation, I have decided to do my interns from KPMG.

I have been proud to work for KPMG over the past 7 weeks; it has been a journey that has provided me an unparalleled foundation to move forward to new and exciting opportunities.

As such, I have decided to become a professional pirate. It has always been a dream of mine to live the life of a swashbuckling corsair, beholden to none and master of all I survey. Once my crew of unabashed rogues is assembled, we shall take to the capacious expanse of the high seas to pursue fortune, fame, and hair-raising adventure.Our path may not be filled with the porcine comforts and technological marvels that KPMG provides, but we shall nonetheless move forward to carve a name for ourselves in the annals of bold insurgency and death-defying derring-do. Once I have a keen blade at my hip and the Jolly Roger is flapping high above me, I believe I will find my true calling.

If you want to come along for the ride, we shall plunder and pillage, and then we can sing songs about rum and chests (both - belonging to dead men and filled with treasure).

No SMOKE plzzzzz....

2006-07-02T11:15:00.000-07:00

I thought I was so cool,
When I was nothing but a fool.

All I had was plans after school,
Getting high and wasting time.

Thinking life's a joke,
As I stood with my friends and smoked.

Although I may seem healthy from outside, inside i know its killing me

For anyone who thinks getting high is the way to go,
Those are the people I care to tell, plz no.

So take my advice and never think twice.
Stay away from drugs and you'll live a great life.

long awaited ....

2006-07-02T10:29:00.000-07:00

of lately been tooo busy to reassure my cyber presense to myself...

no gr8 thoughts here.. no philosophy now... life has given a fast rollercoaster ride... that i'm still in the euphoria...getting started with a company of my own which seemed a distant future smtime back, landing up in an internship with KPMG promises a bright career, heart breaking disruption in marriage process of my dearest friend, esteemed dadaji getting a bad fracture got him stuck to his bed was a heart stopper, dad getting transferred to mumbai showed a glance of family staying toghter smtime soon, brother getting a job gave me the pleasure of seeing a satisfied smile on my parents face, went home n saw my moms tears filled eyes waiting to c me n arms spread to embrace me, broke sm dreams of sm gals waiting for me :(.... sm ppl came reknocking back...to reflood the future dreams of the past, sm newly made very special friends, a new professional network being build...n in the midst of this all ... n my cute lil sweethrt by my side...always reassuring me of my strength...

as i read back .. i find it funny as it seems a fast recapitulation of recent time...i had while i wasnt blogging....completed my 4th year of degree...will b senior in my coll... waiting for companies to arrive...or may b not...
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Critical Life...

2006-03-31T03:15:00.000-08:00

A person is diffrentiated by his personality,
how he reacts to things...the external stimuli..
primarily driven by ID, SUPEREGO and EGO...
or as u say instinct, moral or logic...

Personalility is not all his own... it's deeply influenced by external environment...
the critical moments in his life... be it the time of stopping to suckle his mother,
choice of school, (un)friendly neighbourhood, or parental financial status...
then WHY is a person directly labelled with those..

IF a friend of mine doesnt spends enough money...WHY is he called a MISER by other in the grp...cant they just think that his parents might not be financially well off...

IF a friend of mine doesnt likes to go out for partying..WHY is he called a SPOIL SPORT by other in the grp...cant they just think that he might never had been taken to parties..n might b shying off ...

IF a friend of mine doesnt like riding a fast bike...WHY is he called a FATTU by other in the grp..cant they just think that he might have seen a deadly accident in the family because of fast driving...

Deceptive friENDS.....

2005-11-26T09:54:00.000-08:00

Ever heard "FRIENDS in NEED.... r FRIENDS INdeeD"...
for sure u must hav.... but i recommend... pray to GOD ... wish for some sort of trouble quickly enough when u get a friend... to confirm their friendship status...

F**KERss!! a**ho*es!! blooody b***ARDS!!!! Pain in the A**... u must b wondering wat has happened to me..
believe me... i'm really frustated... coz i have been at the recieving end of deceptive friends...they stuck up in my A**...where it hurt the most..

the incident today made me think of classifying friends...
the best n the sweetest n everlasting are... those made in school days... when u didnt kno wat friendship was.. when ur mind was so tender ... that nothing doped ur thoughts... they r always there to help u ... listen to u.. n will always pull u up .. when u r down..

second category .. r those .. u make unknowingly... those people u came across u in roads of life.. n became ur friend...for no reason .. no bindings... no necessity.. u just start having a walk of life... unknowingly get ur hearts tied up..

the third n the most Fu**ing category... those bas***ds i'm talking abt.. happily with u in ur good times... when u hav lots of money to spend on them... lots of good talks to share with them... offer them free lunches... but when it comes to ur need... they ask...FRIEND!!! WAT Friendship???? they come to u ..coz they need u... to sustain themselves...something like..they r competitor to u..n come to hav a look at ur competitive advantage...always smiling ...ready with a knife to stab ur back.. mean... deceptive..hippocrites...i'm short of words to describe them....

the best of friendship doesnt come when u r happily togther, it comes when u are torn apart, down n out, burned, crashed to the last logs..u realise that despite this all ...the friendship still survives...

just one last word... never make ur competitor ur friend... coz u might think of him as a friend... but wait for the bad time.. he'll b the first one to stab ur back.. n hammer the last nail in ur coffin...

Strength.....

2005-11-20T09:45:00.000-08:00

I'm instinctively strong... never needed a shoulder to cry... never needed consoling.. never even cried in solitude.. fully emotionproof. Stood hard, even in the worst times...faced all sorts of hardships in life.. Life hasnt always been same as now...

There have been many ups and downs in life.. seen painful days... struggled though them.. when there was no way out, made a way on my own. Friends say that these bad times have hardened me.. but i still claim that i have already been strong, else how would have i faced those times...

But the issue is not the strength... the thing is that am i emotionless... or need no support..
at times i feel that i need someone to ask me how i feel... i dont need consolations... but at times even i need a warm pat on my shoulder... but that doesnt makes me weak... but at times i would like to feel... that somebody is by my side..

But the question remains... do strong ppl require emotional support, moral boosting, consolations??? It is not that they require it... but they r also humans... they also have emotions.. feelings... so wat if they know how to control them...

lonely heart...

2005-10-30T09:40:00.000-08:00

swhrt,
You know someone said that the world's a stage
And each must play a part.
Fate had me playing in love you as my sweet heart.
Act one was when we met, I loved you at first glance
You read your line so cleverly and never missed a cue
Then came act two, you seemed to change and you acted strange
And why I'll never know.
Honey, you lied when you said you loved me
And I had no cause to doubt you.
But I'd rather go on hearing your lies
Than go on living without you.
Now the stage is bare and I'm standing there
With emptiness all around
And if you won't come back to me
Then make them bring the curtain down.

2005-10-24T10:22:00.000-07:00

My Tears part my eyes
roll down to meet my eyes
My cheeks try to stop them
awaiting the feel of some fingertips.

One tip stopping it,
one palm holding it
one shoulder to weigh it
and one embrace to let go of it.

My lips are full of words,
they wait eager ears
My hands already stretched out,
awaiting another pair.

I look around for my friend
but he is nowhere to be found.
and now i make a silent retreat
i myself again lonely sad and bound

ur answers....

2005-09-20T09:31:00.000-07:00

so finally the line works... there are actually some ppl who r still interested in finding out the grain from the hay... spending so long to find something ... loosing which might not have mattered to anybody .. except for the grain..i.e. me...

it was nice to notice that ppl do like reading this piece of crapy ideas out here...:D

seems the last posting did had readers to it..rather ppl expressing their "deep rising thoughts"

hmmm.. i do feel to respond to ppl who found the deep rising thoughts a little too confusing or watever....

to pawan... ya it was a bit confusing... welll that was all the idea abt.. it lingered in me a lot ..confused me a lot.. so it was there for others to get confused... after all if ppl like read my mind.. let them share the confusion as well.... regarding the arbit part... its all on perception... i know u have been a gr8 friend... leaving good comments on all my postings... n sharing the ideas...:)

to eddyflynn69858338 ,,,well just thanks...

to liril_si... i never said i never said .. that i wanna run away...or leave things behind... i'm optimistic... i believing in moving ahead in life.. that is practicality... that what is life... no point harping abt wat happened back in life... but do remember wat happened in the past... ... i said i live for my self.. so it never matters wat others think of me... but definitely the opinion of those count.. hu matter to me in my life.... u know wat it means...

well jhoney... thanks for ur comments... but read again.. i made it very clear in the beginning ... "I'm writing this not for you but for myself.."...so that makes it clear the purpose of writing blogs...as far as comments r concerned.. i do love them... after all that shows the acceptance of ur ideas 4m the world... hu all share the same mind proximity as urs.... isnt it ??? take it or not... it is definitely very true... but dont care doesnt always work.. u'll accept as u c more n more of the world for urself...

well dhruv .. u have already mentioned ur point.. gud to have comments... but not the only purpose of blogging... well it never is... its just typing down ur trail of thoughts... no matter if anyone follows it or not....

to anuj... its never a matter of being sorry for wat u have done in the past... take it n face it.... accepting a mistake is good ... but by feeling sorry for wat u did in the past... might falsify ur entire existence... never b sorry for past life... coz if that thing might hav not happened.. u life might not have been in a wonderful shape it is currently in... ..again confusing deep rising thought...

always analyse wat u did in the past .. n carry the findings into the future... not the burden of doing it wrong.... chances are to be taken... after all that is wat life is... else it would have been a computer program.... going exactly the way it was planned to go...

btw.. the purpose of that entire blog was that i nowhere mentioned abt the friend i never fought with in the school... never mentioned abt the person i'm totally friends with... never mentioned the girl that is with me... but mentioned abt the friend with whom i had the last fight n never saw huim again... abt the girl whom i could never say wat i felt.... so the confusing thought was... that hu is ultimately more found in the remembrances...SMRITI.... the one that is lost n gone...or the one hu is still with me...

this one is real wild i guess... n a bit tooooo arbit... but .after all .... it is wat it is... :)

Deep Thought Rising

2005-09-13T09:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in your life comes a time where you want to let go of everything and disappear. Leave everything behind. Well in my life it comes each day and every second. Befuddled ??You shouldn't be. I'm writing this not for you but for myself. Why?I like to write isn't that reason enufff. Yah yah I make spelling mistakes but who doesn't. Its Ok , Chillax as I say. If you are still with me then that means you are interested in reading what I'm gonna relate to you. Its a scientific fact that a webpage only interests a user for upto 10 secs and if the content is not good he/she move on. So if ur with me still that's a good sign my loyal readers. Lets get down to business.

"Smriti" means Remembrances

There are many things that I wanted to talk about but I cannot. I think I repent doing those things but only just like a flash that feeling comes and goes but it lingers enough to confuse me.
Like the day I had a fight with my friend who left me and I haven't met him since or the day I passed from my school with pain in my heart cos' I could not tell the girl I admired my feelings or the sorrow that i will not be able to spend time with the girl i love, once i pass out from my college.... or the itch in the heart... why was i late at something... things could have been much better... had i taken action earlier...

The whole concept of writing a blog so that someone can read it is based upon the assumption that some one does.
What if no one does read it? What if I want the feedback but people read it and then don't even bother to post any remark?
Should that deter me ? ...

Over the years I've realized one thing and one thing only... that i live for myself... anyways .. why should i live for others... i'm no saint or guru that i live for other... but for sure i wud die for those who r such an integral part of my life... still even then... i'm living for my self...

Anything which can get me eyeballs and comments (appreciations as well as sneers) . Works for me as long as it's been uttered.
People tend to mistake me for so many different persons that sometimes it becomes hard to keep track of the different personalities i have inside me.
Just the other day I woke up with beer bottles all strewn in my room,
Now what was that? I drink in moderation only so how come so many bottles?
and then it hit me it was the persona I potrayed --- Pretty scary thought

Its not what you think you do but what you cant do.
This is not what I am pondering upon, or is it the beginning or means to the end.
So much of complexity is not good in life said a great man But why do we need great men to preach gospel so that we can follow it.

Strange isn't it we know the truth yet we ignore it.... confused??? well that was a part of the deep rising thought...as the title says...:D

CUPID's shot....

2005-08-29T13:38:00.000-07:00

the other day a friend asked me...can u define love for me....since then i have been pondering over the thought what actually it is all about.... just a race of adreanalin when u c ur beloved or something else...

well i'm no philosopher...niether a love guru...so cannot explain what love is.... but surely can explain what is not love...

when u feel that u love a person just because you need him... it not love, it is NECESSITY..

when u feel that u love a person because u cannot leave him for the fear of his breaking down ... then it is not love... it is CHARITY....

if you love someone because you have been kissed by him....then it is not love...it's INFERIORITY COMPLEX
when u feel u should not part with him, because other tell u not to do so... then it is not love it is COMPROMISE....

when u feel that u love him.... because u can share everything with him ...then it is not love...it is FRIENDSHIP....

when u feel that u love a him because u cannot live without him ... then it is not love it is ADDICTION....

when u feel the person that u cannot share him with anyone else.. that i not love...that is POSSESSIVENESS....

may b i'll think more on this some other day... but i guess my friend will get his/her answer in this....or atleast a part of it..

Idiosyncrasies of life.......

2005-07-10T18:17:00.000-07:00

ppl ask me to describe myself, speak something abt myself....at time even i ask myself ...y i am the way i am..... y these idiosyncrasies... there is nothing abt me that i hate... rather i love myself .. i like the way i behave.... n given a chance to restructure n re-live my life...i would live it exactly the way i have lived.

Whats so peculiar in my behaviour.... i'm a totally different man for different ppl... soft as a chocolate mush for friends... considerate for strangers..but when it comes to dealing with enemies or assholistic diplomats...i'm the hardest nut to crack... i love pushing them beyond the enemy lines... U burn my fingure...n go running to save ur ass from me..

wait wait wait.... this is not all.... u come to me .. n i'll let u know it all...

am I lost ???

2005-07-09T17:20:00.000-07:00

Never thought that there would ever b a second post to my blog space.... moreover never imagined that i is gonna b soo early....that ppl wil c another piece of crapy ideas clubbed down at a place...

5:35 in the morning... n i'm doing wat typing something that is a total confusion..coz i dunno wat to write...its not that i have been up all nite...studying..or doing something worthy...wasnt even watching a movie... just got up by a few buzzes on the messenger by my gf ( it is day time for her ..since she is in the other part of the world)..talk for not even 20 ims' ...n then she leaves me on an angry note ... n poor me... instead of going back to sleep....type in www.orkut.com to check my profile, friends list, scrap book..i god knows wat not...even when i know it inside it is total shit....

but on a serious note....this orkut is killing me...curse the google n CIA ( some ppl say its a research project 4m the big shots) .... half of the day i'm orkutting ( add the new jargon word to ur dictionary..or orkuttapa, orkutgiri...as many local geeks in here call it..) ..which, i know, is a total waste of time.... n for the remaining part of the day either i am chatting, or browsing the net...purposelessly.... no aim at all.... then the question comes to my mind....AM I LOST ????

Here I am.....

2005-07-09T13:12:00.000-07:00

It's gotta start.... 4m somewhere...somehow.... n finally the moment knocks..me into the blogs.

The reason for starting so late.....It never been running against the time, or thinking what others might think reading my posts... or may b will they ever read the crap i write...
Its just that i never thought wat will i type in here.... how will the chain of my thoughts go abt ... actually i never cud figure out wat will i name my blog... n finally the name comes up.... "maithaniunleashed"....

enough of this... let me fill in the other sections of the blog space...n then i'll return to this blogging n posting thing..